hello. I know it's been a long time. I'm not starting this blog up again, but I felt like I should post something about the previous post, in case someone stumbles onto this site.

While I remember itching to leave, I feel like what I really wanted to have was the opportunity to leave my parents' overprotective gazes. I've been in college for two and a half months, and I was at Summer Bridge for a month, and now all I can do is miss home and miss my friends and miss food.

and also, I never ended up using the mqu tumblr to blog about my summer bridge experience. I was just too caught up in it! In retrospect, it was the best time of my life. I learned so much about myself, and I grew up so much in that short month. I lived with ten girls I can honestly call my sisters, all of whom I love and miss sooooo much. I had fantastic mentors. I can't even explain how much I love Summer Bridge >.<>broadcast.tumblr.com
I've had it since...... the last day of sophomore year? haha

SD in 9 hours! :D
Well, it's been fun while it lasted.
I'll still come back to this blog to stalk you guys
But I set up some major stalkage/"social networks" in order to document and share my college experience.

mqu.tumblr.com
twitter.com/maggiequan
and I'll be using skype (maybe oovoo if i can get the 3-way-call hacked version) for the rest of my life :) nightsies

--

Today was my last day in LA! omggggggggg
TY to Heather and Karen for eating with me today x)
I wish I had reached beyond my protective shell and had tried the pistachio nieve earlier! grr on my last day in LA too! so delicious! Well, hopefully I will be more daring in college. Maybe I'll have less regrets that way :)
Also saw Jennifer, Andy, Brian, and Karina today! :) Thanks for coming by! ♥
I'm not that emotional about the whole thing because it doesn't really feel real and I have a feeling it's not going to hit me hard at all. I hope I'll have a good transition, and I hope my relationship with my "high school/LA" friends will never change ;) haha!
This will be the freshest start I'm getting in school for like the rest of my life. I plan on making the most of it. I'm slightly overpacked for summer, hopefully my SB roommate won't judge me for being so materialistic :p
This summer has been easygoing and fun. This week was fun too =D I got to hang out with most of the people like I planned! It's fun when we have money, now we have to work on everyone getting cars! haha.
One of my priorities the rest of summer is losing weight! Damn did I get chubbed up or what O_O;;
lol ;)

To the people going upstate
Karen Chu, Kimberly Te, Jiaying Wu, Andy Hu, Pablo Ramirez
and Ericka Saracho who is going to Yale!
Thank you for making my high school experience such a great one ;) I couldn't have asked for better people to know! I'll miss you guys, and I'll never forget you!!!!

I had a nice summer up to this point. I got to hang out with a lot of people and explore a lot of places. This is my first free summer ever! :) And the first time I've actually had money... like a lot of it! I got like super chubby lol, I'll work it out at Summer Bridge. I just don't feel like packing right now.

My daddy is so cute. I was looking at this box of biscuits that looked like chicken fillets on the box design and my daddy's face brightened and said "That's GAI-ZAI-BENG (mando: ji zai bing)(roughly translated: chicken biscuit)!!! HEN HAO CHI!!!!! You guys don't even know!!! It is good, or else Daddy wouldn't have bought them!!!" and then he promptly opened the box and gave a biscuit to us all. xD It was very good and it's not made out of chicken and does not taste like chicken. lol

today (or yesterday, really) I went to DMV to have my picture taken for my ID. Then Alex and I went to Chano's. I asked Alex to choose between a burrito and a nacho plate (with meat!). He chose nachos. When we opened it, it was not what he expected. He was disappointed because it was not covered in melted cheese, but was really colorful with guacamole, salsa, etc etc. And meat! I assured him this was delicious. Lo and behold, he loved it :)

everyone is sucking my soul dry. i don't even know if summer bridge is worth it anymore. i hate how my dad keeps saying that he can't help with anything because he doesn't know it, and that he can only push me and remind me i have an impending deadline. thanks for acknowledging that you are worthless to me at the moment. i've already met my deadlines by myself, and now you want to go around every corner, trying to be helpful, trying to make me get an id and my driver's license when i have so much to think about, telling me to get my things together. that's really helpful.

omfg I can't wait to fucking leave. I'll feed them all the same lines he gets away with for doing absolutely nothing with my life. I'll get away from their fucking overprotective, overcritical asses. I'll get away from my little brother's angst-ridden life where he thinks he needs time to breathe by staring at the computer every fucking day even when I offer him a way to leave, because I'm just that overwhelming to him. I'll get away from my older brother's fucking mess. I can't wait until next year, when he's back and home and my parents will have to deal with all of his mess now that I won't be there to clean up and be blamed for his fucking shit. Too bad leaving means they'll leave their best criticisms for me. -_-

take an additional 30% off clearance
take 15% off your next purchase
free shipping on everything
tax free

and by the time this all goes down, they no longer carry my size for anything worth purchasing.

Q_Q

eee cleaned my desk and found my award letter from ithaca! turns out they gave me a lot of money o_o! like 43k! but that's including loans, so I would have been responsible for 7.5k. woweeee. But it's okay... would have cost more in the long run.

it's almost 5am and i haven't slept a wink. i blame the freaking coca cola -____- i don't think i'll sleep tonight.

i miss you sparky.

Let's see

Monday, June 14 - Went to Little Tokyo to do homework at Starbucks and eat at Yogurtland.
Friday, June 18 - Senior Awards, bought mochas for both me & helen
Saturday, June 19 - Carnival w/ lil bro, bought ice cream, GSA Party
Monday, June 21 - Karate Kid, Cha for Tea, Karen's reaaaal gift ;)
Tuesday, June 22 - bought a mocha, mcflurry for Alex
Thursday, June 24 - Graduation
Friday, June 25 - Helen's Graduation, Juice it up
Saturday, June 26 - bought mochas for me & andrew, mcflurry for Alex
Sunday, June 27 - Karen's Birthday Party, brought some zucchini fries
Tuesday, June 29 - Acapulco and Toy Story 3 at Vista Theatre

Aaaaaand I finally spent all my money!

it'd be great if I could get a change to spend time with these groups exclusively before I leave:

- entire third grade class
- jenny, kimberly, vivian; my middle school homies
- jenny, helen; my wives
- kimberly, karen, jiaying; my senior year homies

I wonder if it'll work out though.

eeee I graduated today! Today is like, the day that defines stuff not being in my control. My mom got a black eye today lololol. And then she forced me to go to the salon, threatened to not attend my graduation. my older brother was busy, so he left me stranded at the salon for a while. then my mom forced us to eat. then at graduation the worst thing happened: my family was locked off from the field. everything seemed like a blur, I stopped listening to the speakers when I found out my family wasn't there. And when I walked up, it was nice that the csf row was screaming for me.. but I just felt like walking was pointless with my family not there. They were there though lol. "ninja'd" in. I tried to take as many pictures with people as possible... but everyone was too scattered :/ Also, I had a gradnite planned, but Helen waited till the last second to tell me she had other plans. I'll wait the ten years to find out what I think about this day, and hopefully a sense of accomplishment washes over everything else.

I've been working on a novella for two years, and it's still in its development process..... I'm scared that the main dude in my story is too two-dimensional. :(

♥

Miley Cyrus - New Music - More Music Videos

I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

So I have thought over these past nine months. I've thought about this from time to time, and I've always meant to write something about it. I guess I should just write it out and hope that I have nothing to amend later, that I won't change my mind about anything I have to say.

This is about Felix Cheng. I'm not trying to reopen closed wounds, and I've already found my own closure in the time that's passed. I just wanted to write something about a boy who meant a lot to me.

After so many months, people are finally comfortable enough to ask me about you. Or talk about us. People have told me it was the oddest thing when we were together, because we just didn't match up. Other people have said we were a cute pair. It doesn't really matter. When I liked you, I thought you were perfect.

I really had no one to vent to after everything, because people think that the ones who end things aren't heartbroken as well. That's not true. It hurt a lot, and I had no one. But I guess after grappling with everything myself and finally speaking to some people about it, I can take this time to express what I felt.

I don't regret anything. Even after I ended things, I still held some affection for you. I still do. You're always funny, you're always sweet, and I'm glad I could experience being with you.

We were together for five months, and I remember I would talk to you and say stuff and let it slip like we were together for more than that. But it's true, it felt like we were together longer. It took a long time, I waited a long time, for you to show a sign. I should have taken you talking to me everyday as a sign, which started in November, right? But no. After you got a job in March you made that step, you found excuses to hug me, to go eat with me (but it wasn't a date then). And then you asked me out. You killed me with affection. You said you wished for me in the wishing well on Kimmy's birthday, and I laughed because I liked you so much back then already. I laughed because I watched you exchange those quarters for pennies and run off to the well.

You were my best friend for nearly a year. When acadeca stopped and I realized so many people moved on in their own time without me, you remained constant, and you were there for me. I was always unfair, I was always busy, but you waited for me. You weren't really patient with me, lol, but I guess I was unfair. I didn't deserve you, because you were so good to me.

I did love you. And I was happy. You treated me so well and you loved me so much, that I didn't know what to do really. I won't go into reasons why I ended things, but I wanted to get it out that I did try. I tried hard to make things work. I sacrificed a lot, too, even though it was sometimes not enough.

I'm sorry about everything. It did hurt that I lost you as a friend. It hurt a lot. And it's still awkward when we're in the same room together. But I don't think any of that matters now.

So thank you, Felix Cheng, for all that you did for me. For being my one and only high school boyfriend, for showing me love, for being my best friend. I'll never forget you. I hope you find a girl who is so worth your affection, and I hope you'll be happy.

Love, Maggie.

wooooot. LHSAA! What did I say about it being the best essay I've ever written at 2AM in the morning? :))))

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
Love the way you lie

[Verse 1 - Eminem]
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight all I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight

High off on love, drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love it
The more I suffer, I suffocate
Right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fuckin' hates me, and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I'm leaving you.
No you ain't. Come back. We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
Cuz when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back
She's lois lane when and it's bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snap "Who's that dude?"
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on him, I never stood so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Verse 2 - Eminem]
You ever love somebody so much,
you could barely breathe when you with 'em?
You meet, and neither one of you even know it hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills used to get 'em
Now you gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're with 'em

It's the fate that took over, it controls you both
So they say, you'd best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya cuz today,
That was yesterday, yesterday is over and it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over
But you promised her, next time you'd show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it "window pane"

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Verse 3 - Eminem]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded

Baby please come back, it wasn't you. Baby it was me.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much, to walk away
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'll just aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time
I apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again,
Ima tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

---

Eminem is amazing.
Interesting choice of Rihanna though.

I find shelter
In this way
Undercover
Hide away
Can you hear
When I say
I have never
Felt this way

Maybe I had said
Something that was wrong
Can I make it better
With the lights turned on

Could I be
Was I there
It felt so crystal
In the air
I still want to drown
Whenever you leave
Please teach me gently
How to breathe

And I'll cross oceans
Like never before
So you can feel the way I feel it too
I'll mirror images back at you
So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said
Something that was wrong
Can I make it better
With the lights turned on

Maybe I had said
Something that was wrong
Can I make it better
With the lights turned on

yearbooks make me happy :)
I ♥ Jenny Vooooooong!

AHHHHHHHHHH. I can't believe how sad I am :(
I just watched The Painted Veil today. And I love it. It's gorgeous. I just got over my addiction to Bright Star too! Curses. Both of them are so stunning. Both of the love stories are so sweet. And then it turns sad in the end. I'm so, so sad. The Painted Veil was soooo good. China was gorgeous. Ed Norton was extremely smokin'. I love him so so much. AHHHHHH. I feel so sad though :(

I wanna talk tonight
until the morning light
about how you saved my life....



I'm trying not to cry these few weeks because it's senseless. Nothing can be changed. Everyone will be gone soon and I need to spend time remembering and enjoying what's left.

Just kidding. That's bullshit. I'll cry everyday for the next month lol

Today I sent out thank you cards to all of the teachers I've ever had, except aguilar (because she retired and c'mon it's aguilar) and buenaventura (ughh!). I spent extra time on the three teachers that mean the most to me -- Lauer, Kwan, and Crabtree. I still haven't given Crabtree hers, but Lauer cried and Kwan got all gushy and it made me really really sad to realize that I won't be able to see these women, my role models, who have taught me so so much and have shaped my life and made me a better person. I feel so grateful towards them, yet utterly depressed about leaving.

Hi
you can't change anything about yourself
you can break my heart, you can point out the obvious that we weren't gonna work.
you can blame me for your failed relationships
you can hide everything from me, you can hurt me, you can leave me alone
but you loved me once, and you can't change that.
and I loved that boy you were, and I'll love him forever.
and I know he's still in you.

you think you're a hot shot. you think you don't have to return. you think you don't have to see me ever again.
you don't have to.
I don't either.
but I'm hoping we run into each other one day and we'll be mature enough to say hi

and if I see the old you still
I'll make you love me again.

I love how when I ask about my scholarship dinner that I missed, my dad gets super fired up and pissed about dressing up nicer than most people. he says they wore poorer than his everyday wear, that they wore t shirts, that no one wore ties. well, daddy, the paper says YOU MUST wear a dress shirt with tie. just because other people are dressed down, doesn't mean I fucking forced you. And my lil bro says that he didn't have to do a speech but he did. THEY TOLD ME I HAD DO. I did my fucking job by putting everything together, giving all the fucking rules. what the shit is with this, like its a fucking burden. burn that fucking $1500 if it's so much work.

Aw. Whenever you tell me the truth about something, it's always something sad. I feel so bad. I feel like I should be there for you more. I'm sorry.

channeling my sixth grade self for my multi-genre paper. I feel so angry when I remember everything. but it's funny, because every other phrase is "I FREAKING WANT TO DIE."

Stephanie from SF and her best friend Jenny came down this morning to take their placement tests. After that, I took them out to Chinatown, but there was not anything appealing. We ate at Pho 87 and Lollicup and then walked all the way to Little Tokyo and ate Yogurtland. They had to leave so we could not have an authentic Mexican dinner :( It was fun though; I love any excuse to eat a lot.

Magnet Banquet and MESA Banquet and Capital Markets Competition all had such great Mexican food. Makes me crave it sooooo bad.

Stuff I'd Like for College, Revisited :)

Here's a list I made a few months ago:

-Macbook Pro + applicable accessories - GETTING! The new 15 incher probably, with the ipod touch promo :))))) not sure about accessories.
-External compatible w/ Mac and PC- birthday present :)
-Bike - working on it :(
-New Phone - GOT IT :)
-Unlimited Texting - GOT IT :)
-Bookcase - :(
-Digital Piano - :(
-New Printer that does not suck. - WILL MOST LIKELY GET
-Flip Video Camera - :(
-Digital SLR - not that important
-Bulletin Boards/White Boards/Calendars/Planners - WILL MOST LIKELY GET
-An external full of shows that I'll be unable to download from college premises - working on downloading shows!

7/12 done :) In just three months! I'm happy with this.

My parents raped my room and now they put everything into boxes. There is no way of finding anything. So I lost my $50 receipt and I don't think I'll find it and now I'm pissed.

Also I hate how I'm fucking saying something and my mother, who is not in the room, not aware of the situation, and not in the conversation shouts from another room an attack on me that is fucking unrelated. This is why I hate people like this. This is why I get pissed off at Brian Martinez and other people all the time.

I hate having to defend myself only to be called a bitch all the time. Go fuck yourself.

My parents are cleaning my room, ready to move me out so my brother can have a place sleep when he comes home on Friday. I'm still stressed from competition tomorrow, and my B in physics and my homework from stats. I hope they don't find the stuff I hide from them. I started screaming at them not to do anything because I hate hate hate when people move my stuff; I can never find anything ever again. I bet you I'll never find anything again. They just told me to shut up and shoved me out because they're fed up with me not doing anything. I'm tired from working. I just want everything to stop. I want to sleep forever, but I have work to do.

Ahhhh idk why but I love the British! Their art and theater are soooooo fine. They're just the most sophisticated and fashionable people I've ever admired. I want to be like Jenny Mellor from An Education--young and free and well-read and smart and bright and drop out of school to have an affair with an older gentlemen and eventually make it to Oxford. I want to read and understand Byron and Keats and Wilde and Camus. I want to travel to Paris and Rome like it's a rite of passage. I want to visit gorgeous manors and ---shires and drive on the wrong side of the road.

They're so brilliant.

I think people need to be decisive and grow up. I understand the need to complain about stuff so you can deal with things more easily, but persistent shit talking about a huge problem is not going to change anything. This is not middle school, you are a freaking "adult." What the fuck is with letting problems escalate because you do not have the balls to either suck it up or confront your problems? Decide. Act on how you feel. You are way too old now to be unsure about what the people you let in your life's intentions are. And the only people who will hold anything against you in the long run are people who need to grow the fuck up as well.

I just watched the film Bright Star. Woweee Ben Whishaw is soooooooooo dreamy ♥♥♥♥♥ I cannot stop spurting hearts. So basically this film is about Keats and his lover, and it's full of poetry and tender moments. The farthest thing they get to is kissing, and it's the sweetest thing. Ben Whishaw as John Keats is now my dream boyfriend♥♥♥

Watch things on the VCR
With me and talk about big love
I think we're superstars
You say you think we are the best thing

But you
You just know
You just do

I miss my dog. Today I felt like I had all the time in the world. I wanted to spend today with him.

I had my first actual interview today, and it went well. It was identical to an Academic Decathlon interview actually, except more free. I let a few things slip through the cracks. They told me "dressing up is not recommended; just come casual," but I don't believe in that kind of stuff so I wore a skirt and my interview heels. It felt very familiar. I improvised with my interview intro a little, and it felt good because I've met two of the judges last year in a meeting before. Also, they told me what they liked about my app, so that gave me a bit of confidence.

In retrospect, I grit my teeth at all the things I did not control. I ran on a little, I was not definitive in some of my answers, I did not express some things I wished I did, I tapped my foot sometimes and it made a sound because of the heel, I looked away sometimes. But it is always like that after interviews. You give out answers so much, that you wished you could have used your best ones.

But I am glad no interviews are perfect. I do not mind as long as I am able to express how I genuinely feel. I do not care as long as I am able to communicate that I am unique. I do everything and I love everything and I do not just do everything to fill out my applications. That is just a plus :)

Johnson Dang does not want to hear it from me, because he is always less enthusiastic about these things than I am, but it was really exciting today. It was my first real interview. They had me talk a bit about myself, like the interview intros. They had my application which was like my resume in interviews. They used my resume for the interview! But the real interview was much more engaging. Like they spent time. Like they had specific goals. Bill wanted to know about Engineering. Susan wanted to know about the Gay-Straight Alliance. Paul wanted to know about my reading. I liked Paul the most, because he was the most enthusiastic. He did not look up from his notes on his laptop much (I made sure to look at him still though!) but he kept giving me questions that tried to explore my gains from my experiences. I think I fell short on some aspects of that though, but I do not want to dwell on that too much.

It was really fun. I wish I had a team to talk to about this. Truthfully, so much that I want to cry.

Happy birthday to my cousin Sally! Man the years go by. How did you get so big? 15 already? You'll always be three years old to me. You'll always be the three-year-old who swore, who had such a huge personality, who licked the coke off the floor, who shared that lollipop or ice cream with Sparky.

It's funny because we used to play everyday. I didn't really like her much because she was always freaking bossy. But I used to play with her sister Helen all the time. I followed Helen everywhere. We used to watch TRL and sing every word to I Want It That Way, and we especially loved singing to Britney Spears' first album. We used to ride bikes everyday. We used to rollerblade. I used to have a pair of rollerskates! We used to play hide and seek around the pink pillar that used to be white, and that was before the extra gates were set up. In fact, we used to play wayyy back, before the front lawn was carved, when it was just grass cut by the fence. We used to have so many trees! Pine-shaped trees that lined the driveway, and we had one huge tree that Meijie hung a swing from. That one was the first to go. We used to find dead birds or bees, and we buried them under the pine-like trees. That's sealed by cement now. I saw a butterfly the other day and I remembered we used to see a lot of butterflies! And we used to play with bugs! Rollypollies, ants, crickets, ladybugs! Now they're too disgusting for me to touch.

I'm so glad I have enough of these memories. I'm so glad I had a full childhood. There are so many facets of my life that I can peel away in my memories. I'm so glad I can remember my relationship to each of my cousins, my parents, my brothers. There's no need to say if I could go back I would tell myself to slow down or some shit like that, because those days were slow. Those days were plenty. Those days were great. I appreciate them every day of my life.

I know there's something called privacy, and that I was left alone when I was 11 to do whatever the hell I wanted online and at school. But I'm very concerned. My little brother has said on his AIM that he's being ignored at school, that he has no friends. And now I learned that he joined myspace when I told him not to. I don't think I should leave him alone, because he's a really sad kid, but he doesn't like it when I talk to him about his friends. I feel like I failed in a huge way since Alex is going through what I went through.

I love her! Haha. This was FIERCE. Classy. Sexy. Not racy at all.
I hope people will take her work seriously and not just throw words like slut around. I love how she added a pole dance just to spite people! :))))


Anywho. Long day. WAYYY long day. even longer week. I spent the last 24 hours cramming for stats. I read the entire Kaplan review on stats! Aha. Of course, reading is not the same as practicing, so I didn't know how to do some problems, but I think it was decent. This is what I get for sleeping the entire semester x___x I think I might have managed to pass with a 3. I'm hoping for a 4 because I think 3's are ugly, but pickers and can't be choosers, so I just hope I pass! I'm running on 5 hours of sleep, and I totally took a 5 minute nap during the exam. Haha. BC is tomorrow morning! I have to review!!!! After a huge nap first. And I also have to review for Lit. I really want a 5. My MC scores went down a bit :/ I don't know what happened, and I have to review work and practice some more on Q1 and Q2s. I also need to write for scholarships, and I also have to finish up things for prom (all by friday!) Oh boy.

I hate when good things come to an end. Farewell, 一条龙, you've been good to me and my family for the past 4 years (except that one time when the 小笼包 was still a bit 生). Why did you have to change bosses and fire the old chef? Q_Q I always thought that my brothers and I enjoyed potstickers not because of their quality but because the outside skin of the dumpling was super fried. I was wrong. Even though it's fried to a crisp now, the meat is disgusting. My mommy jokingly said that as long as the sour salad (her favorite condiment for 小笼包) was the same, it would be okay. But seriously, the vinegar didn't even taste the same at all! SO SAD.

RIP 一条龙. I will feel no remorse now when we try nextdoor's J. 江, but if that sucks as well, we are never ever going back to that plaza ever ever ever!

On a positive note, got a promo card from Yogurtland in San Gabriel today! :) Free 30 oz next time! =D

These past two days feel long. Anyway, I'm 18 now. Cool.

I'm very tired. I feel like sleeping all the time. Took a practice AP Calc BC exam this morning, the actual one from last year that was released to teachers. Got a 5!! :):):) I checked out a lot of practice books today, so I have to start on reviewing for stats and econ. Macro exam tomorrow morning. I read almost all of those chapters already, so I just think I have to focus more on Micro.

Also checked out Will Grayson, will grayson today! Bums me out so much that John Green was at the UCLA Book Fair today and I couldn't go.

Anyway, it bothers me when people put words in your mouth. Like saying "I thought you said ______?" as a statement and as if you're correct. There's something incredibly accusatory about that statement. And even if I did -- which I really, REALLY doubt, afterall I am pretty sure that I expressed a certain opinion way before I even freaking knew you -- people have a right to change their minds, and no, it wouldn't be because of your influence. Just shut up and find something better to talk about than argue about shit.

the sinking ship has risen!

I GOT A C IN LUU'S CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now all I have to do is raise APEcon and APStats :))))))

A long tangent

Rain makes me think a lot.

Today was the day I decided I could wear a tank top and a thin cardigan and everything would be hunky-dory. Then it rained and the 100 building had the AC on, so I was freezing. My highlight of the day was napping in AP Econ, I love when we go over chapters because it gives me an excuse to sleep. I take the best naps in Econ. But he has to be absent tomorrow so I have to study the chapter earlier than I intended ):

Anyway, I was waiting for my dad to pick me up in the rain, and I started thinking about a lot of random things. Like I thought about this guy that I was completely infatuated with in middle school who I have not held a meaningful conversation with in years. I remember I used to live off his smile, like just to catch a glimpse of him in passing period or something. Anyway, I remember we shared an umbrella once, and I remembered the rain, and suddenly this old tune plays in my head. It was October Fall - I'll find you again, and literally, it's an obscure song that I have not thought about in years, that I had associated with him about four years ago, and it started playing in my head.

Strange things the subconscious does. Anyway, I started thinking about a lot of things. I feel like I fucked up my classes. I hope I can pull my grades up or I'm toast. I keep thinking about it, and all the pressure from these AP courses that I have spent the past few months avoiding is now being felt. djkfdsfklsdjfkdj but I don't want to think about that.

Anyway, so other things I thought about today while waiting in the rain, and riding in the rain, and going to the library:

There is a house on the corner of my street that an old man lived in for many years. He maintained a beautiful garden, with an incredibly friendly dog. I used to dream of working there or something, selling flowers in a stand, and I thought I would inherit the garden or something when I was little. Lol. The old man turned out to be mentally ill towards the end of his life, and he wanted to kiss me all the time that I started to avoid the corner. He also flashed his penis to Finnie's grandmother. So I think he either moved or died.

But that got me thinking about how I used to fantasize about so many things. Like I used to think we were going to get a gorgeous girldog for Sparky, even though he had no balls, and we'd have a whole lineage of dogs. And I also dreamed that Sparky would eventually mellow out and be friendly towards strangers. LOL. Oh what dreams.

So anyway, my little brother got AIM and he's happy he gets to chat with people. But he updates his status and I can read it, and in it he says stuff like how he really has no friends. That's horrible. That's everything I wanted him to avoid. And that made me remember that it's April, and it's the week of my birthday, and my brother's six years younger than me and he's a sixth grader. Six years ago, this week, right after my birthday, my "friends" told me that they disliked me following them. They kicked me out of the science fair group where I had, up to then, did most of the work. Also what was funny was the week before I had defended one of them in face of a group of upperclassmen. So, they ditched me because certain popular girls were spreading rumors that I was starting shit. Groups of people I didn't know from all grades harassed me and threatened me. All that traumatized me in middle school. Anyway, I wanted to protect my brother from that, the loneliness. I hope he's good though.

I peeked over his shoulder and I saw his convo with a girl. Lol, all his friends have SNs with their names on it, so unlike my age of AIM, where we were all Azn x Krazie x Insert birthday x Boi x Grl. Anyway, I read the line he sent "We already hugged today on the bridge." and I'm like OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I'm disappointed he's that into girls at this age though :| lol. He thinks all the girls love him. What a dumbo ♥

Watching Star Walk, a ghetto Asian version of American Idol. Seriously. This girl gets sent home and it pans to her elderly father.

Daddy: Her dad is sick. He's terminally ill. He has about a few months to live. Yet he still attends to support his daughter!

-------

Taking the trash out with Daddy at midnight.
A guy passes by whistling, he was probably trying to calm himself down.
Another man, older and more hobo-ish, passes by and grunts when I almost back into him because I did not know he was there.

Daddy: Did he push you? If he did, I'm ready to kill his ass.

♥

wishlist

Because I've been threatened with violence and death.

Anything as long as it's expensive. :)

Gift card: forever 21, urban outfitters, american apparel, sephora

Clothes
Tops: xs, s
Bottom: xs, s, 1

I like pretty clothes.
I like dresses.
I hate logo clothing.
I like cardigans.
I like shorts, but don't want short shorts.
I like skirts, but don't want mini skirts or denim skirts.
I like clothes that make me look skinnier than I am :)
A nice faux leather belt like this

Jewelry
Cute earrings
Cute rings
Cute necklaces
Cute bracelets
I like clustery, chunky jewelry

Accessories
Bags
Purses
Wallet with lots of ca$h

High Tech
Flip Video
External Harddrive

Books
Will Grayson, will grayson, John Green and David Leviathan
No Other Life, Gary Young
Ender's Game series, except for Ender's Game and Children of the Mind, Orson Scott Card

Miscellaneous
I love cute handmade stuff
Sappy love letters
http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Actor-Gregory-Peck-December-1-1947-Posters_i4469489_.htm
Food ♥
Concert Experience
Makeup
Cows
Digimons


Thanks.

Genuine

Something weird. I woke up at 1 today and I was browsing on youtube. I have seen this before, but this time it made me cry. I guess I am much more sensitive in the morning or something. But anyway, this sums up everything I have ever felt about my friends. All of the words that I had trouble finding.

I would like nothing more than all my friends to get along. I'm glad that they can be diplomatic when they need to be. And people will be people, you can't please everyone. But I'm definitely happy that at least I love all my friends and they all, for the most part, like me back (I think).

=)

It's the thirteenth. In a month, it will be the AP Econ test and after that, I'm free =D =D =D

(500) days of summer is how I feel like when you show that nothing's the same as before. Maybe later, when the mood is right for you to shower me with love again, it'll be fine, but for right now you're wrapped up in your own world and I'm sorry I can't understand you like I used to. We used to click like mad, like we could always remedy each other's day by sharing a treasure of a sweet song that we locked away from other people, but now it's not the same. And you can't really make me happy anymore either.

Hi, it's 1AM and I'm a little foggy in the brain. Just spent the past 3 hours doing a powerpoint project for physics that I was supposed to do with my group over spring break except 1. my group consisted of me and a classmate who had no contact info whatsoever, 2. sork did not even go over the project, 3. I totally forgot about it. Anyway, it's due tomorrow. Lol. Of course I'm doing all the work. Still have a lot of information to put in. But damn my powerpoint looks sweeeeeeeeeet!!! I'm bound to put it on my online resume of skills =] Haha.

But still, I feel like I'm being screwed up in the mind from all this needless work.

Tomorrow is a another day. Tomorrow is... hey today!

it's funny how my parents are the only people in the world who constantly makes me feel worthless. like it never fails. like nothing I do is ever good enough to meet their expectations because they're always looking at different goals. because people they know indirectly can do things that I failed at doing and those are the only this that matter, not the fact that I excel at things other people can't possibly begin to practice. that I grew up not so twisted in the mind. you know, you can say that so and so went to the best college there is in your vision, but I talk to so and so, and so and so has always been unhappy. I've made my own happiness, and what's done is done, so shut the fuck up about berkeley and los angeles already. shut the fuck up. I can't wait to fucking leave because then I can finally fucking breathe. Then I can be free from you telling me I'm never good enough, that I'll never fucking survive without you. I'll fucking survive, and I'll be so fucking happy.

http://xmo0.deviantart.com/

LOL. The one day I decide to check my ancient Deviantart, Team Edward takes over for April Fools. WTF. Never returning ever again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY VOONG!!

9th



Lol. When we planned to bomb you. LOLOL. I still laugh at this. We said we were going to take pictures, and at the count of three, we started spraying you with whipped cream and had it all on video! Too funny. I would've cried if you guys did that to me, and you said you wanted to cry too. Sorry, but it sounded like a good idea before XD XD. So sad my youtube account got deleted, because the video is lost forever!

10th



I knew not to trust Kevin. LOL. And when I look back on this day, I'm very happy I could do this for you :) It was a fun day. That was a year of awesome parties!

11th



And our last surprise. You mentioned sushi once and I just knew :) LOL I remember the first thing you said when you saw us was "I WANTED TO BE ALONE WITH KEVIN!" Oh well. The sushi was goooooooood!

Sorry, no surprise this year. I think everything's so lazy this year. Nothing epic has happened yet. But I really do hope you enjoy your birthday babygirl. 18! Officially older than what many of the characters on TV claim to be.

note: sorry this is kinda crappy. I have no time to organize, because I have no time to think of what I want to convey, but I hope the message gets through to you :) :) :) I loooove youuu!

I know I always say this, but it's hard to get into our story without starting from the beginning, so aha. You were the first person I interacted with in Kindergarten. I wanted to sit on the front of the rug and you turned around and glared at me and that's all I remembered. I also remember we were a girl named Serena's friend, we were part of a "crew", but you never liked me and you were a stinking bitch. LOL. But then, I think we started to talk more in the fourth grade, when we sat next to each other, and I remember some fun times. I remember how you always had like 50 pencils! Ahaha. I can't believe it's been so long.

I always think of middle school as bad times, because most of my experiences were so overwhelmingly bad. But I think the reason I'm strong enough to look back at them at all is because of you. I am who I am, because of you. I learned so much from being your best friend in middle school, and still being a good friend today.

I remember how, even back then, you were still very nice to me in sixth grade. And because of Helen probably, we were able to stay friends. And then when all the stupid drama happened in 7th grade, and how we were all being stupid with a lot of stuff, how whenever I did something overwhelmingly stupid, you would tell me that that part of me wasn't all that great. You were the only person that ever told me what I needed to change about myself, and I loved our friendship so much that I wanted to be better. And you made me better. And I decided a long time ago that you're one of the people I consider to have the best intentions towards others.

I used to think I was so smart. That I could figure the world out on my own. I didn't trust anyone in middle school, because I was always afraid to be hurt. But going through middle school, seeing how you handled everything, I learned so much from you.

And it's funny, because you could have easily been the most popular girl in school -- and I still believe it. You could be friends with everyone. But you didn't like that, you liked having close friends, you liked having only one boy. I could have gone that way, I could have cared about what other people said and cared about what other people thought about me, but you were someone I wanted to emulate, and you showed me it was better to not care. I owe who I am to your guidance. You were like my role model, always the better person I wanted to be. You're also probably the reason why I believe kids can be in love, or believe in love even, because I watched you wear your heart on your sleeve, watched you get hurt, and watched you sacrifice so much in your relationship. You have so many admirable qualities, and that's why I was willing to follow you. You always stood up for me to other people, and there were a lot of times where you couldn't trust me, but you always stayed friends with me, and I felt that it was because you believed I was a good person.

And you're always so nice to people. So inclusive. You always make me feel like I belong. Like I remember one time in eighth grade, when I felt like I didn't fit with Kimberly and Vivian always talking about brands of shoes, and I was lonely, I told you and you spent the entire day with me, just talking to me and making sure I wasn't lonely. I needed that and I love you for it.

It was fun when we took drawing together. Such a learning experience! I'm still bitter that you're better in conte crayon! LOL. I feel like with you, even if we're not omgsuperclose, there's a comfort. Like we're family. Like no matter where we meet, we can pick up where we left off and still have the same relationship.

You always used to bring up people you used to be close with and you used to be so sad about how you don't speak to them. And it's clear that we don't talk like all the time, I don't even call anyone just to say hello anymore, and that's sad, but I remember all the fun times we had, and I really appreciate how we can still talk just fine :) How you still consider me, like how you always offer me food >:P ♥ You're so sweet haha.

So giiirl. I hope you have a great birthday. Tomorrow. Buffet. Breaking my three-week diet for you :) And it's going to be your last birthday in high school, and who knows who'll be around next year -- that's too sad to think about. I'm happy to celebrate you, because you deserve attention, you deserve recognition, you're such a great person. I cry just thinking about how much you've helped me grow, and I owe a lot to you. I hope you're happy, because you deserve everything. And I hope we'll still be friends forever and ever, because I really want to play mahjong in the future :]

I love youuuuuu

LOVEEEEEE, MAGGIE♥

I just discovered that my actual weighted UC GPA is 3.6 :) Because they only take 10th and 11th grade, and all the summer school from 9th to 12th. This makes me feel very good, because I always thought it was 3.4 and I literally killed myself when I saw that.

But not because it was low, but because all these years, people have told me different things about how they calculate GPA. I always thought I had above 4.0, but when I learned that it was a max of 8 points, and when Hernandez showed me I had a 3.8 at the beginning of last year, I thought I wasn't going to get into anything! It really put things into perspective, even after my GPA tanked when I failed last year. I'm very grateful, and I feel like I've still kept it high, considering my fail.

Of course none of it really matters anymore.

Stuff I'd Like for College

-Macbook Pro + applicable accessories
-External compatible w/ Mac and PC
-Bike
-New Phone
-Unlimited Texting
-Bookcase
-Digital Piano
-New Printer that does not suck.
-Flip Video Camera
-Digital SLR
-Bulletin Boards/White Boards/Calendars/Planners
-An external full of shows that I'll be unable to download from college premises

Let's go scholarships.

Decisions

California State University

• Los Angeles
• Northridge
• Poly Pomona
• Poly San Luis Obispo

University of California

• Berkeley -
• Los Angeles
• San Diego
• Davis -
• Santa Barbara
• Irvine
• Riverside

Private Colleges

• Ithaca College
• Occidental College -
• Chapman University - Did not send in transcripts/ SAT because I'm a cheapass so application is incomplete

Emoticons courtesy of *sereneworx and ~VIPwnt

My parents are uprooting me once again. It's pretty logical that I move into the smaller room and leave the double to my brothers, that way whenever Andrew comes back Alex doesn't have to move in with my parents again. However, I'm still pissed. Just a second ago, my dad announced it, and told me to clean my shit in the living room and in my room -- and I have a LOT of shit -- and told me to move into the smaller room. Um, I had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD this morning and you're telling me now, at 10 PM, when I'm sleepy and when everything's too dark to see? What if I lose my fucking homework, like I always do when you force me to clean? And the thing is, I wouldn't mind the room, if it weren't for the fact that both my brothers did shit to it. It's full of spiders and moths and dust. And I really think there's no need to do it so soon, since after his spring break, Andrew's probably only going to come back twice before I move out anyway.

I somehow made some comparison in my mind to the Germans moving the Jews into ghettos. You have a second to pack everything you can and move.

Today is the 10th day of my diet. I have not eaten any junk food or had any snacks past 9 PM in 10 days, and I have went jogging everyday. These past 5 days I have ran a mile each day. Today was too hot to run, but I decided to go out anyway. I was running with HIPPO, but he was tired and didn't want to go around the corner so I ended up not running much today at all. And today I also ate the closet thing to junk food - a double chocolate muffin. But it was goooood. I hope I can run tomorrow, but I doubt it because I have Econ Challenge after school. And it's going to be super hot after school too. Sigh

Freshman 2010-2011

Every Sixth College student must fulfill 4 sets of GE course requirements.

1. Freshman Core Sequence: Culture, Art, and Technology (CAT) requirement

Students must complete the core sequence (CAT 1, 2, and 3) in order. You should complete the sequence during your freshman year or as soon as you've completed the Entry Level Writing Requirement(My 4 in AP Eng Lang + whatever I get in AP Lit = 8 units elective credit and clears Entry Level Writing requirement). The sequence cannot be replaced with college courses taken at any other institution.

• CAT 1 (4 units) (Our introductory course examines from multiple angles how cultural assumptions are embedded in art and technology, thus reflecting and shaping the choices humans make. We prepare students for the writing-intensive CAT 2 and 3 by emphasizing questions and argumentation as the key to learning.)
• CAT 2 (6 units) (Here we analyze specific technological and artistic developments during a given historical period and consider how their intended -- and unintended -- consequences affect our lives today. Our writing discussions focus particularly on how to form thesis statements and arguments.)
• CAT 3 (6 units) (In the third quarter we examine how potential solutions to today's problems fit into cultural systems of values and assumptions. Students concentrate on voice and the details of writing effective sentences, and they complete projects applying course concepts to real-world issues.)

^ CATs are unavoidable.

2. Information Technology Fluency requirement

Students satisfy this requirement by taking Computer Science and Engineering 3 (CSE 3) during Fall or Winter of their Freshman year or by taking another computing course required by their major department. For more information, please refer to the complete GE lists below.

^ I might have already satisfied this with my joint Robotics and Engineering course.

3. Breadth requirement

Students must take 12 courses encompassing a variety of disciplines.

• Analytical and Scientific Methods (2 science courses)(1 course, 3 in AP Biology counts)
  
• Art Making (PDF) (2 courses) (My B in Drawing 101 might satisfy a course; maybe not though)
  
• Exploring Data (1 statistics course) (Not sure what I have to score, but AP Statistics satisfies Exploring Data)
  
• Narrative, Aesthetic, and Historical Reasoning (2 humanities courses)(1 course, A in Art History at ELAC, might count the same as AP Art; 4 in AP US History counts)
  
• Social Analysis (2 social science courses) (If I get a 4 or 5 in AP Econ, I satisfy 1 course, if I get a 3 it's elective credit)
  
• Societal Context (2 courses)
• Structured Reasoning (1 math/ logic course) (Done, 5 in AP Calculus satisfies Structured Reasoning.)
  

Note: AP or IB credit may be used to satisfy only 1 course in each area.

So basically, I've satisfied most of my lower division courses, and according to the 2009-2010 course list, I might have junior standing. But I don't know anything about college so probably not :P

4. Upper-division Practicum requirement

These courses must be taken in order:

1. Practicum course or project
2. CAT 125 (Practicum writing course)

^ So basically like a senior seminar, only on service. Cool.



--

College Honors Program

http://sixth.ucsd.edu/academics/college-honors-program.html

Participants in the Honors Program include:

• New freshmen who have distinguished themselves academically in their high schools
• New freshmen who complete at least 12 graded units with a 3.7 cumulative GPA during their first quarter at UCSD
• Second-year honors students who maintain a minimum cumulative GPA of 3.5

^ I definitely don't qualify for the first one, however, I have 3.7 and 20 units completed at ELAC, and if you take away my PE credits, I still satisfy the second bullet so I'll look into the Honors Program. I definitely aim to satisfy the third bullet point.

--

I will be majoring in Management Science and I might choose a minor that will fit with my major. I plan to take Chinese, and study abroad for two quarters in my junior or senior year. I plan to graduate, work for two to three years, get a good GMAT score and then apply to a good Management School (Cal, UCLA, USC, Stanford) and fulfill my dream of becoming a Management Consultant.

:) crossing fingers!

Fuck.

My parents are convinced that UCSD is a bullshit school because everyone gets accepted, which is partly true since I had that Fail in Physics and Daniel had that D in Calculus. But come on, it's ranked higher than Irvine. Although, Irvine is definitely more selective and more appealing for the Asian parent -_-. My mom says if I get accepted to either Irvine or Berkeley, she's going to celebrate. If I don't, I get nothing. That's complete and utter bullshit. She hailed my older brother as some kind of God, with his whatshebelievestobe 3.8 GPA and his whatshebelievestobe 2000 SAT Score (In reality it was 3.7 and 1700). There are double standards everyone. They treat him so much easier when it comes to education than they do me. What, I get nothing for going into college? She says what's the point, there's nothing special if everyone gets in, and the fact that I got rejected from UCLA is a big deal, since that's the BEST school. Well, obviously I'm not the best then, just give up on me then. She tells me she knows I'm clever, and that I could have made it into UCLA if I hadn't wasted my time competing. She tells me, NOW, that I should have focused on YUCA and I should have been on cabinet or something and I should have done tutoring. WTF? Weren't my parents the ones who told me YUCA is a complete and utter waste of time, that they're cheap ass people who want to make kids work, who rewarded my brother's 4 years of service with a $100 scholarship? $100 is something, and it's because of THAT that I started YUCA late, and that I wasn't allowed to do anything. They say a lot of things, how I didn't listen to them, how they know everything. Yeah, because they've been through high school, been through the pressure, because they supported all my endeavors. Oh wait, they didn't. They just told me I can't do this, this and this is a complete and utter waste of time, while I was being dedicated in doing it. They told me no one wanted GSA's help, they told me YUCA was unneeded, they told me Academic Decathlon was worthless. Well, they should have seen UC's second prompt, and they should have seen the criteria for admission into UCSD.


http://www.ucsd.edu/prospective-students/admissions/undergraduate-admissions/freshmen/process.html

Step I: Academic review	Maximum Consideration
Uncapped Grade Point Average (GPA)	4,500
Scores of all required exams	3,200
Number of "a-g" courses beyond the minimum	500
Step II: Additional academic factors
Eligibility in the Local Context (ELC)	300
Educational environment	300
Step III: Socioeconomic factors
Low family income	300
First generation college attendance	300
Step IV: Personal characteristics and achievement factors
Demonstrated leadership	300
Special talents/ achievements/ awards	300
Community and volunteer service	300
Participation in academic development preparation programs	300
Special circumstances/ personal challenges	500

I get a shitload of points from everything other than GPA and ELC. I look at this and I see my work these past four years, and I love this criteria. It looks at everything. I don't care if UCSD is a shit pity school, because it graded me on everything I've accomplished, everything I hoped colleges would see.

I'm going to separate this post into two because this is just full of bitter resentment and my next post will be about my hopes for the future :)

Anxiety.

I really hope I don't fail math. I owe math and econ hwks. :( sigh

What a world we live in today

People sing all the time
Elevating their humble origins
They sing about sweetness
About loneliness
About love, calling out to love
Over and over again
Pitch problems amassing
Thank God for autotune?
And when you sing along
To anthems of youth with others
Every flaw in your voice is hidden
The epitome of friendship

But such a transformation has solid effects

Just listen to instrumentals
It could be about love
It could a story like those in Fantasia
It could tell of about hardship
It could be anything, everything you're feeling now

Or it could just
Be about
Bitches and hos and getting high and cashing in and rollin' in a lamborghini and "Blah Blah Blah"

What a world we live in today.



--
wrote this at 12:30 AM last night waiting for my mom to come out of the shower (she came out an hour later...). I had an idea and it took me all of 5 minutes. no editing. I don't know whether or not I really like it, or if it's what I intended, but I shouldn't be writing poetry anyway so I'm posting it so I will be discouraged to edit. :) qiao~

a few things

I think I'll talk about the good things first because the bad outweighs the good in a hugeeee magnitude.

THE GOOD
My baby brother won a medal for math yesteryesterday at MESA. He was so happy that he cried. And when I saw him go up I felt like crying too. I called my dad and he called my mom and she started crying.

My mommy bought me Craisins. Just now, my daddy told me that they were walking in Costco and she grabbed the bag and said "My daughter loves these!" and bought it. ♥

My neighbors moved out. Finally. They were very abusive towards their kids O_O so I'm glad. And my aunt upstairs (the five bui sisters) bought it! And my other aunt is moving upstairs. How perfect. My dad was joking that we should just cut a whole in the brick wall and raise a dog together.

THE BAD
MESA Webpage due in 27 hours and I thought I had five more days. Sigh.

I didn't get notified from the MLK scholarship so I guess I didn't make it.

I sent in my application to Ithaca an entire month earlier than regular decision deadline (which was required for MLK) and I still haven't heard back from them. It still says I'm missing midyear report. I went to Garcia SO MANY TIMES and she was getting frustrated with my asking. Just now realized that she might've really really screwed me over, not just for Ithaca but for Oxy as well.

Anyway, don't speak to me tomorrow because I have shit to finish.

one of my favorite songs

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

...

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily

Give me an answer

I swear I wasn't hurt. But I think it hasn't hit. I think I'm convincing myself it doesn't hurt. Because it's been years. Or days. Whichever.

I don't know if you'll ever know just how much you affected me. You and the other boys with the sticky hands who grabbed around and ended up taking pieces of me, not necessarily my heart. You took up so much space, so many thoughts.

But who am I to say? I forgot you in an instant.

woke up today, thinkin' of you

^ A very, very old Christina Milian song haha.

Anyway though, seriously:



I woke up today to Hippo crying. And I thought about how I used to wake up to you crunching on some water bottles. I remember how I would look through the blinds and see you chomping away. And then I would tap the window and you would look around and return the bottle to the plastic graveyard. The first few months, I couldn't stand in front of your house, because it was dark and it was empty and you weren't there. Now, my dad stores a pool table set or something there, and it feels all the more dead. I stand there and I see nothing. All the years spent going there to say hi. I remember the time when you were sleeping and we thought you were lost so we went around the block with flashlights. The picture burned in my head is when they finally flashed it into your house and there you were sleeping. You were so young back then. I remember all the times I asked for your paw and you'd give it to me. You had sharp nails and they were always so disgusting probably, but all I remember now is that your paw as big, and it was furry, and sometimes it was wet, but I didn't care. And you always gave it to me. You were the sweetest thing int he world. I remember you would sniff my hand too. I remember all the basketball shots you watched me make, and I remember thinking one day we'd play like Air Bud :) And that one day when Sam hit a birdie or some ball into your house and he was like "I AM YOUR MASTER!!!!" ahahaha. I digress though, because what made me think of you this morning was when I remembered how I heard Hippo crying out of the window, and I thought how unsafe everything felt. Before, when there was just a clink of the gate, I would hear your thundering bark. And that was before we installed the second gate, so if you were out you would be running around the house, trying to get at whoever just came in. And I remembered the night before they put you to sleep, I went to bed at 2 AM and I heard you shuffling and I slept with a smile, knowing you were still with me. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time, but that night I slept with yes, the fear of losing you, but the comfort of knowing that like all the years before, the thousands of thousands of days I knew you, you were still there. I remember days later Ly jie told me it felt so wrong to her. She felt so unsafe. We all felt that way. And we all loved you so much. I took all these pictures of you, I tried to draw you so many times, and this was because I didn't want you to go away. I wanted to you stay forever. And I would trade all these pictures to have just a glimpse of you alive again. Now all that's left is cousin after cousin asking me to give them your pictures, and everyone seeing my desktop and saying how beautiful you were, it's all so bittersweet. All I'm saying now, I guess, is that I miss you more than anything. I miss you more than I could have ever imagined. You are the reason I really hope there's a Doggie Heaven, like I hoped ever since I was little. We really gave you nothing material to live with, no toys and walks and all that, but you gave us everything. I remember that one episode of Grey's Anatomy where Meredith died for a second, how the one thing she wanted to see more than anything at that point was her dog, and he appeared before her. I understand it now. I want nothing more than to be able to play with you again. I love you and I miss you so, so much.

I know I've got a friend up in the atmosphere, another reason not to fear the sky

Hi, today is February 18, 2010. Five years ago, my friend Skye Lee passed away. She was 12 years old.

Every year I dedicate this day to her, and it gives me the opportunity to put my life into perspective. Right now, I'm thinking, damn, it's been five years.

I met Skye six years ago through a mutual friend. At that time, I was a sixth grade nobody. I had no friends, and I was dying to find an escape, to find people who I could laugh with. I met Jerry through Chinese School, and he was a boy who intrigued me so much that he would later become one of my best friends. He introduced me to his world, and he would always treat me as though I belonged, even though his friends eventually even stopped being polite with me. He introduced me to Skye.

Skye was a girl who was two inches shorter than me, extremely skinny, and dark-skinned. I would say now that she was a charming girl. She was always sweet to me, and she seemed like she genuinely enjoyed talking to me. When I met her, she had recently begun reading Harry Potter books, and she was obsessed. To this day I can't pick up a Harry Potter book without thinking about her. She loved monkeys, and she had a wonderful mom. Her mom took us to a McDonald's once, one far from my house that still had a ball pit installed. That would probably be the moment that sticks out in my memory -- the day I spent with her at McDonald's.

A lot of details have slipped from me, mostly because I was so young and so out of the loop when everything happened. What I can remember, though, is October 10, 2004, when Skye told me and Diane that she had cancer. It literally like deja vu from that scene in A Walk To Remember, which until then was the only place I've heard of leukemia. Skye had had it when she was very, very young, but it had been in remission for years. But it returned.

I did not watch the cancer eat her health, which would've been traumatizing to me at the time, but I kept in touch with her and her friends. At that time, her friends really needed to talk about how they felt, and I was there to listen. I was too distant to be a part of what was really happening, but I was so young that I felt like at that point Skye was my world, too, and when she stopped breathing, I would, too.

The night she passed away I received a call from her mom. Her mom thanked me for being Skye's friend, and that message sent me crying for the next few weeks. My parents didn't know anything about that because at that time I was alienating myself. I didn't trust my friends at school with any of this. Just remembering that time makes me recall how utterly alone I felt.

I didn't attend her funeral. A month after her death, her family moved east. I kept in touch with her friends, but a year later they made it clear that I was not a part of them. Jerry kept in touch with me until we started high school, and he moved north. I fell in love with Skye's cousin, but he's gone as well. Now, I just remember her alone.

I remember I was just twelve when she passed away. We were the same age. This happened to someone my age. And now that I'm older, I am also able to see how young we were. This happened to someone my brother's age. And I think, it's been five years. Skye could have been anything by now. She could have gone to some top college in the east, where her cousin, the boy I loved once, undoubtedly is now. She could have read all the Harry Potter books by now and be anticipating the release of the final movies. She could have been among her friends who I had a falling out with, she could have been alive these past five years.

That makes me sad, to know someone so nice be gone. And how I don't really think about her all the time anymore, like those first few months, it makes me think of how we mentally brush the people who walk in and out of our lives under a rug. I wish I could remember her more, I wish I could say name all the stuff she loved, I wish I could so much more about her, but I can't, and it's taken me five years to find clarity in that.

I love you Skye. I miss you. I wish you could have had five years to grow up like the rest of us. Thank you for being my friend.

Skye Lee, I am alive. Skye Lee, I am blessed. Skye Lee, even when you're gone, even when you've stopped, I keep breathing, and I'll carry you for the rest of my life.



With eyes like candles, filled to the brim
With tears like diamonds, swimming in a flood

oh gosh

I just ate an expired bagel. Freaking Sara Lee needs to learn how to write expiration dates. It said 22 FEB 02, and all the time I didn't even see the 02. Now I have no idea what the hell it means, but like, a raisin was weird (I picked it out) and now I feel like I'm going to die overnight.

Anyway, I lied about yesterday. It wasn't so great. I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to now. Awards ceremony is on Thursday night, but I get the feeling I didn't do as well as I hoped, so I really don't want to face it. My mom is perpetually angry at me, too.

I'm very scared about college decisions, but I get the feeling that even if nowhere else accepts me, even if I want to transfer from ELAC (it'd only take me a year with all the credits I've racked up), my parents would send me to Riverside. I'm not sure how I feel about Riverside, because I never imagined myself there.

Only a week and some days left until decisions from MLK Scholarship come. I really want to go to Ithaca College. The thing is, my parents don't know yet, because whenever I try to talk to them they don't listen, and then whenever I'm freaking busy they keep asking me what I'm going to do with my life. I wish UCR would stick to the regular timeline, because my dad keeps asking me, every freaking day, whether I got another acceptance letter, and I keep telling him, every freaking day, that there is still a month left.

Today was a boring day. Everything is so easy to me. Except maybe Econ. We've caught up to the end of Micro, which I have never looked through. LOL I'll start studying tomorrow, promise. Zapata approached me and said he definitely wanted me to participate in capital markets, and then he slipped out that he didn't think I was going to participate in Econ Challenge. Haha, I think we both know that I'm not as strong as the previous David Ricardo's, but I swear I will do my best! I wish I kept in last year, because that would've been killer on my resume for Business School, but then again, this would be, too :)

I love leaving right after Econ, it makes me feel like I have so much time. But this is just for the week, I know I'm going to try to help out with all the teachers next week. It was pouring and there was thunder by the end of fifth, and I ran the fifteen meters to the cafeteria and that rain was falling so hard. My dad picked me up, so I had to run through the walkway at the side of the school, and there were literally inches of rain washing down those steps! Crazy. I hate rain, but I definitely love the thunder C:

My webcam broke. Microsoft is so freaking crappy I swear. Everyone knows their products aren't worth it -- the webcam is supposed to be $60 but Danny got it off Club Bing. I searched around and there were a lot of complaints about the audio. I finally found a site that had instructions on how to fix it, but I'm going to have to reassemble the whole thing :[ sigh. Club Bing currently has a mic, but I don't really think it's worth it since I plan on getting a labtop later anyway. But yeah, no webcam = no communication with Nisha, Janet, Kevin, etc. :[

Speaking of Janet, I feel really bad. I was very insecure yesterday because it seemed like everyone was getting the supplement for UCLA and I wanted to check to what extent it was sent out because I was freaking out. I hope I didn't scare her or anything. I'm just dumb like that sometimes.

My little brother is very funny. I think he's the best kid in the world haha. I told him before that if anyone picked on him, he should tell me, because I was bullied like hell in sixth grade and I had to face that alone. And then he has this pink pencil he found, and a kid in his class keeps telling him it isn't his and Alex gets so mad. LOL. He's like "MAN I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM!!!!" and then he begs me to tell Andrew so we both can go and beat up that kid. Haha, I'm teaching him violence is not the answer and yet he's such a dude! :P

Homework for today:
[x] CALC - pp457 - 5-7, 8, 13, 14, 17, 18 (thnx to andeh :p)
[x] PHYX - Work problems
[x] STATS - moar normal distribution practice
[x] ECON - just bring ch 23 & 24 tomorrow



Love,
Maggie

First Day of New Semester

Hi Jennifer! :D

Today was a good day. My grades are:

1 AP Calc BC - Luu - C <-- that's the only one I'm not sure of
2 AP Lit - Lauer - A
3 Physics - Sork - A
4 AP Stats - Villarreal - C
5 AP Econ - Zapata - A
6 Academic Decathlon - Kwan - A

What's funny is that for Lit, Phyx, & Econ, I was missing at least 2 big assignments, but because I'm awesome it didn't affect my grade that much at all :P For Lauer, she was like "Hey Maggie, you didn't turn in 2 Weekly Poetry Assignments *enters numbers* your 94 just fell to a 92." LOL. I think I have the highest grade fasho. Ericka is super bitter about that. For Physics, I didn't turn in 2 labs, so I fell from a 99 to a 92. And I was .1 away from a B in Zapata's. I am so happy :] Anyway, I ended up dropping the sixth period. I think I can find a productive way to spend my sixth period. I've offered my services to teachers and they've expressed interest in hiring me >:] yay.

That said, homework for today:
[x] MATH Pg 446 #1-4, 5-19 ODD, 22, 33
[x] LIT Go through MC's
[x] PHYX Worksheet
[x] STATS Classwork

And because I waited until I finished homework to type this, I no longer have the desire to type out exactly what I wanted to say. So I leave with this:



Love,
Maggie

Hello.

Love,
Maggie