A long tangent

Rain makes me think a lot.

Today was the day I decided I could wear a tank top and a thin cardigan and everything would be hunky-dory. Then it rained and the 100 building had the AC on, so I was freezing. My highlight of the day was napping in AP Econ, I love when we go over chapters because it gives me an excuse to sleep. I take the best naps in Econ. But he has to be absent tomorrow so I have to study the chapter earlier than I intended ):

Anyway, I was waiting for my dad to pick me up in the rain, and I started thinking about a lot of random things. Like I thought about this guy that I was completely infatuated with in middle school who I have not held a meaningful conversation with in years. I remember I used to live off his smile, like just to catch a glimpse of him in passing period or something. Anyway, I remember we shared an umbrella once, and I remembered the rain, and suddenly this old tune plays in my head. It was October Fall - I'll find you again, and literally, it's an obscure song that I have not thought about in years, that I had associated with him about four years ago, and it started playing in my head.

Strange things the subconscious does. Anyway, I started thinking about a lot of things. I feel like I fucked up my classes. I hope I can pull my grades up or I'm toast. I keep thinking about it, and all the pressure from these AP courses that I have spent the past few months avoiding is now being felt. djkfdsfklsdjfkdj but I don't want to think about that.

Anyway, so other things I thought about today while waiting in the rain, and riding in the rain, and going to the library:

There is a house on the corner of my street that an old man lived in for many years. He maintained a beautiful garden, with an incredibly friendly dog. I used to dream of working there or something, selling flowers in a stand, and I thought I would inherit the garden or something when I was little. Lol. The old man turned out to be mentally ill towards the end of his life, and he wanted to kiss me all the time that I started to avoid the corner. He also flashed his penis to Finnie's grandmother. So I think he either moved or died.

But that got me thinking about how I used to fantasize about so many things. Like I used to think we were going to get a gorgeous girldog for Sparky, even though he had no balls, and we'd have a whole lineage of dogs. And I also dreamed that Sparky would eventually mellow out and be friendly towards strangers. LOL. Oh what dreams.

So anyway, my little brother got AIM and he's happy he gets to chat with people. But he updates his status and I can read it, and in it he says stuff like how he really has no friends. That's horrible. That's everything I wanted him to avoid. And that made me remember that it's April, and it's the week of my birthday, and my brother's six years younger than me and he's a sixth grader. Six years ago, this week, right after my birthday, my "friends" told me that they disliked me following them. They kicked me out of the science fair group where I had, up to then, did most of the work. Also what was funny was the week before I had defended one of them in face of a group of upperclassmen. So, they ditched me because certain popular girls were spreading rumors that I was starting shit. Groups of people I didn't know from all grades harassed me and threatened me. All that traumatized me in middle school. Anyway, I wanted to protect my brother from that, the loneliness. I hope he's good though.

I peeked over his shoulder and I saw his convo with a girl. Lol, all his friends have SNs with their names on it, so unlike my age of AIM, where we were all Azn x Krazie x Insert birthday x Boi x Grl. Anyway, I read the line he sent "We already hugged today on the bridge." and I'm like OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I'm disappointed he's that into girls at this age though :| lol. He thinks all the girls love him. What a dumbo ♥