Sunday, February 28, 2010
one of my favorite songs
Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again
...
Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Give me an answer
I swear I wasn't hurt. But I think it hasn't hit. I think I'm convincing myself it doesn't hurt. Because it's been years. Or days. Whichever.
I don't know if you'll ever know just how much you affected me. You and the other boys with the sticky hands who grabbed around and ended up taking pieces of me, not necessarily my heart. You took up so much space, so many thoughts.
But who am I to say? I forgot you in an instant.
I don't know if you'll ever know just how much you affected me. You and the other boys with the sticky hands who grabbed around and ended up taking pieces of me, not necessarily my heart. You took up so much space, so many thoughts.
But who am I to say? I forgot you in an instant.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
woke up today, thinkin' of you
^ A very, very old Christina Milian song haha.
Anyway though, seriously:
I woke up today to Hippo crying. And I thought about how I used to wake up to you crunching on some water bottles. I remember how I would look through the blinds and see you chomping away. And then I would tap the window and you would look around and return the bottle to the plastic graveyard. The first few months, I couldn't stand in front of your house, because it was dark and it was empty and you weren't there. Now, my dad stores a pool table set or something there, and it feels all the more dead. I stand there and I see nothing. All the years spent going there to say hi. I remember the time when you were sleeping and we thought you were lost so we went around the block with flashlights. The picture burned in my head is when they finally flashed it into your house and there you were sleeping. You were so young back then. I remember all the times I asked for your paw and you'd give it to me. You had sharp nails and they were always so disgusting probably, but all I remember now is that your paw as big, and it was furry, and sometimes it was wet, but I didn't care. And you always gave it to me. You were the sweetest thing int he world. I remember you would sniff my hand too. I remember all the basketball shots you watched me make, and I remember thinking one day we'd play like Air Bud :) And that one day when Sam hit a birdie or some ball into your house and he was like "I AM YOUR MASTER!!!!" ahahaha. I digress though, because what made me think of you this morning was when I remembered how I heard Hippo crying out of the window, and I thought how unsafe everything felt. Before, when there was just a clink of the gate, I would hear your thundering bark. And that was before we installed the second gate, so if you were out you would be running around the house, trying to get at whoever just came in. And I remembered the night before they put you to sleep, I went to bed at 2 AM and I heard you shuffling and I slept with a smile, knowing you were still with me. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time, but that night I slept with yes, the fear of losing you, but the comfort of knowing that like all the years before, the thousands of thousands of days I knew you, you were still there. I remember days later Ly jie told me it felt so wrong to her. She felt so unsafe. We all felt that way. And we all loved you so much. I took all these pictures of you, I tried to draw you so many times, and this was because I didn't want you to go away. I wanted to you stay forever. And I would trade all these pictures to have just a glimpse of you alive again. Now all that's left is cousin after cousin asking me to give them your pictures, and everyone seeing my desktop and saying how beautiful you were, it's all so bittersweet. All I'm saying now, I guess, is that I miss you more than anything. I miss you more than I could have ever imagined. You are the reason I really hope there's a Doggie Heaven, like I hoped ever since I was little. We really gave you nothing material to live with, no toys and walks and all that, but you gave us everything. I remember that one episode of Grey's Anatomy where Meredith died for a second, how the one thing she wanted to see more than anything at that point was her dog, and he appeared before her. I understand it now. I want nothing more than to be able to play with you again. I love you and I miss you so, so much.
Anyway though, seriously:
I woke up today to Hippo crying. And I thought about how I used to wake up to you crunching on some water bottles. I remember how I would look through the blinds and see you chomping away. And then I would tap the window and you would look around and return the bottle to the plastic graveyard. The first few months, I couldn't stand in front of your house, because it was dark and it was empty and you weren't there. Now, my dad stores a pool table set or something there, and it feels all the more dead. I stand there and I see nothing. All the years spent going there to say hi. I remember the time when you were sleeping and we thought you were lost so we went around the block with flashlights. The picture burned in my head is when they finally flashed it into your house and there you were sleeping. You were so young back then. I remember all the times I asked for your paw and you'd give it to me. You had sharp nails and they were always so disgusting probably, but all I remember now is that your paw as big, and it was furry, and sometimes it was wet, but I didn't care. And you always gave it to me. You were the sweetest thing int he world. I remember you would sniff my hand too. I remember all the basketball shots you watched me make, and I remember thinking one day we'd play like Air Bud :) And that one day when Sam hit a birdie or some ball into your house and he was like "I AM YOUR MASTER!!!!" ahahaha. I digress though, because what made me think of you this morning was when I remembered how I heard Hippo crying out of the window, and I thought how unsafe everything felt. Before, when there was just a clink of the gate, I would hear your thundering bark. And that was before we installed the second gate, so if you were out you would be running around the house, trying to get at whoever just came in. And I remembered the night before they put you to sleep, I went to bed at 2 AM and I heard you shuffling and I slept with a smile, knowing you were still with me. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time, but that night I slept with yes, the fear of losing you, but the comfort of knowing that like all the years before, the thousands of thousands of days I knew you, you were still there. I remember days later Ly jie told me it felt so wrong to her. She felt so unsafe. We all felt that way. And we all loved you so much. I took all these pictures of you, I tried to draw you so many times, and this was because I didn't want you to go away. I wanted to you stay forever. And I would trade all these pictures to have just a glimpse of you alive again. Now all that's left is cousin after cousin asking me to give them your pictures, and everyone seeing my desktop and saying how beautiful you were, it's all so bittersweet. All I'm saying now, I guess, is that I miss you more than anything. I miss you more than I could have ever imagined. You are the reason I really hope there's a Doggie Heaven, like I hoped ever since I was little. We really gave you nothing material to live with, no toys and walks and all that, but you gave us everything. I remember that one episode of Grey's Anatomy where Meredith died for a second, how the one thing she wanted to see more than anything at that point was her dog, and he appeared before her. I understand it now. I want nothing more than to be able to play with you again. I love you and I miss you so, so much.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I know I've got a friend up in the atmosphere, another reason not to fear the sky
Hi, today is February 18, 2010. Five years ago, my friend Skye Lee passed away. She was 12 years old.
Every year I dedicate this day to her, and it gives me the opportunity to put my life into perspective. Right now, I'm thinking, damn, it's been five years.
I met Skye six years ago through a mutual friend. At that time, I was a sixth grade nobody. I had no friends, and I was dying to find an escape, to find people who I could laugh with. I met Jerry through Chinese School, and he was a boy who intrigued me so much that he would later become one of my best friends. He introduced me to his world, and he would always treat me as though I belonged, even though his friends eventually even stopped being polite with me. He introduced me to Skye.
Skye was a girl who was two inches shorter than me, extremely skinny, and dark-skinned. I would say now that she was a charming girl. She was always sweet to me, and she seemed like she genuinely enjoyed talking to me. When I met her, she had recently begun reading Harry Potter books, and she was obsessed. To this day I can't pick up a Harry Potter book without thinking about her. She loved monkeys, and she had a wonderful mom. Her mom took us to a McDonald's once, one far from my house that still had a ball pit installed. That would probably be the moment that sticks out in my memory -- the day I spent with her at McDonald's.
A lot of details have slipped from me, mostly because I was so young and so out of the loop when everything happened. What I can remember, though, is October 10, 2004, when Skye told me and Diane that she had cancer. It literally like deja vu from that scene in A Walk To Remember, which until then was the only place I've heard of leukemia. Skye had had it when she was very, very young, but it had been in remission for years. But it returned.
I did not watch the cancer eat her health, which would've been traumatizing to me at the time, but I kept in touch with her and her friends. At that time, her friends really needed to talk about how they felt, and I was there to listen. I was too distant to be a part of what was really happening, but I was so young that I felt like at that point Skye was my world, too, and when she stopped breathing, I would, too.
The night she passed away I received a call from her mom. Her mom thanked me for being Skye's friend, and that message sent me crying for the next few weeks. My parents didn't know anything about that because at that time I was alienating myself. I didn't trust my friends at school with any of this. Just remembering that time makes me recall how utterly alone I felt.
I didn't attend her funeral. A month after her death, her family moved east. I kept in touch with her friends, but a year later they made it clear that I was not a part of them. Jerry kept in touch with me until we started high school, and he moved north. I fell in love with Skye's cousin, but he's gone as well. Now, I just remember her alone.
I remember I was just twelve when she passed away. We were the same age. This happened to someone my age. And now that I'm older, I am also able to see how young we were. This happened to someone my brother's age. And I think, it's been five years. Skye could have been anything by now. She could have gone to some top college in the east, where her cousin, the boy I loved once, undoubtedly is now. She could have read all the Harry Potter books by now and be anticipating the release of the final movies. She could have been among her friends who I had a falling out with, she could have been alive these past five years.
That makes me sad, to know someone so nice be gone. And how I don't really think about her all the time anymore, like those first few months, it makes me think of how we mentally brush the people who walk in and out of our lives under a rug. I wish I could remember her more, I wish I could say name all the stuff she loved, I wish I could so much more about her, but I can't, and it's taken me five years to find clarity in that.
I love you Skye. I miss you. I wish you could have had five years to grow up like the rest of us. Thank you for being my friend.
Skye Lee, I am alive. Skye Lee, I am blessed. Skye Lee, even when you're gone, even when you've stopped, I keep breathing, and I'll carry you for the rest of my life.
With eyes like candles, filled to the brim
With tears like diamonds, swimming in a flood
Every year I dedicate this day to her, and it gives me the opportunity to put my life into perspective. Right now, I'm thinking, damn, it's been five years.
I met Skye six years ago through a mutual friend. At that time, I was a sixth grade nobody. I had no friends, and I was dying to find an escape, to find people who I could laugh with. I met Jerry through Chinese School, and he was a boy who intrigued me so much that he would later become one of my best friends. He introduced me to his world, and he would always treat me as though I belonged, even though his friends eventually even stopped being polite with me. He introduced me to Skye.
Skye was a girl who was two inches shorter than me, extremely skinny, and dark-skinned. I would say now that she was a charming girl. She was always sweet to me, and she seemed like she genuinely enjoyed talking to me. When I met her, she had recently begun reading Harry Potter books, and she was obsessed. To this day I can't pick up a Harry Potter book without thinking about her. She loved monkeys, and she had a wonderful mom. Her mom took us to a McDonald's once, one far from my house that still had a ball pit installed. That would probably be the moment that sticks out in my memory -- the day I spent with her at McDonald's.
A lot of details have slipped from me, mostly because I was so young and so out of the loop when everything happened. What I can remember, though, is October 10, 2004, when Skye told me and Diane that she had cancer. It literally like deja vu from that scene in A Walk To Remember, which until then was the only place I've heard of leukemia. Skye had had it when she was very, very young, but it had been in remission for years. But it returned.
I did not watch the cancer eat her health, which would've been traumatizing to me at the time, but I kept in touch with her and her friends. At that time, her friends really needed to talk about how they felt, and I was there to listen. I was too distant to be a part of what was really happening, but I was so young that I felt like at that point Skye was my world, too, and when she stopped breathing, I would, too.
The night she passed away I received a call from her mom. Her mom thanked me for being Skye's friend, and that message sent me crying for the next few weeks. My parents didn't know anything about that because at that time I was alienating myself. I didn't trust my friends at school with any of this. Just remembering that time makes me recall how utterly alone I felt.
I didn't attend her funeral. A month after her death, her family moved east. I kept in touch with her friends, but a year later they made it clear that I was not a part of them. Jerry kept in touch with me until we started high school, and he moved north. I fell in love with Skye's cousin, but he's gone as well. Now, I just remember her alone.
I remember I was just twelve when she passed away. We were the same age. This happened to someone my age. And now that I'm older, I am also able to see how young we were. This happened to someone my brother's age. And I think, it's been five years. Skye could have been anything by now. She could have gone to some top college in the east, where her cousin, the boy I loved once, undoubtedly is now. She could have read all the Harry Potter books by now and be anticipating the release of the final movies. She could have been among her friends who I had a falling out with, she could have been alive these past five years.
That makes me sad, to know someone so nice be gone. And how I don't really think about her all the time anymore, like those first few months, it makes me think of how we mentally brush the people who walk in and out of our lives under a rug. I wish I could remember her more, I wish I could say name all the stuff she loved, I wish I could so much more about her, but I can't, and it's taken me five years to find clarity in that.
I love you Skye. I miss you. I wish you could have had five years to grow up like the rest of us. Thank you for being my friend.
Skye Lee, I am alive. Skye Lee, I am blessed. Skye Lee, even when you're gone, even when you've stopped, I keep breathing, and I'll carry you for the rest of my life.
With eyes like candles, filled to the brim
With tears like diamonds, swimming in a flood
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
oh gosh
I just ate an expired bagel. Freaking Sara Lee needs to learn how to write expiration dates. It said 22 FEB 02, and all the time I didn't even see the 02. Now I have no idea what the hell it means, but like, a raisin was weird (I picked it out) and now I feel like I'm going to die overnight.
Anyway, I lied about yesterday. It wasn't so great. I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to now. Awards ceremony is on Thursday night, but I get the feeling I didn't do as well as I hoped, so I really don't want to face it. My mom is perpetually angry at me, too.
I'm very scared about college decisions, but I get the feeling that even if nowhere else accepts me, even if I want to transfer from ELAC (it'd only take me a year with all the credits I've racked up), my parents would send me to Riverside. I'm not sure how I feel about Riverside, because I never imagined myself there.
Only a week and some days left until decisions from MLK Scholarship come. I really want to go to Ithaca College. The thing is, my parents don't know yet, because whenever I try to talk to them they don't listen, and then whenever I'm freaking busy they keep asking me what I'm going to do with my life. I wish UCR would stick to the regular timeline, because my dad keeps asking me, every freaking day, whether I got another acceptance letter, and I keep telling him, every freaking day, that there is still a month left.
Today was a boring day. Everything is so easy to me. Except maybe Econ. We've caught up to the end of Micro, which I have never looked through. LOL I'll start studying tomorrow, promise. Zapata approached me and said he definitely wanted me to participate in capital markets, and then he slipped out that he didn't think I was going to participate in Econ Challenge. Haha, I think we both know that I'm not as strong as the previous David Ricardo's, but I swear I will do my best! I wish I kept in last year, because that would've been killer on my resume for Business School, but then again, this would be, too :)
I love leaving right after Econ, it makes me feel like I have so much time. But this is just for the week, I know I'm going to try to help out with all the teachers next week. It was pouring and there was thunder by the end of fifth, and I ran the fifteen meters to the cafeteria and that rain was falling so hard. My dad picked me up, so I had to run through the walkway at the side of the school, and there were literally inches of rain washing down those steps! Crazy. I hate rain, but I definitely love the thunder C:
My webcam broke. Microsoft is so freaking crappy I swear. Everyone knows their products aren't worth it -- the webcam is supposed to be $60 but Danny got it off Club Bing. I searched around and there were a lot of complaints about the audio. I finally found a site that had instructions on how to fix it, but I'm going to have to reassemble the whole thing :[ sigh. Club Bing currently has a mic, but I don't really think it's worth it since I plan on getting a labtop later anyway. But yeah, no webcam = no communication with Nisha, Janet, Kevin, etc. :[
Speaking of Janet, I feel really bad. I was very insecure yesterday because it seemed like everyone was getting the supplement for UCLA and I wanted to check to what extent it was sent out because I was freaking out. I hope I didn't scare her or anything. I'm just dumb like that sometimes.
My little brother is very funny. I think he's the best kid in the world haha. I told him before that if anyone picked on him, he should tell me, because I was bullied like hell in sixth grade and I had to face that alone. And then he has this pink pencil he found, and a kid in his class keeps telling him it isn't his and Alex gets so mad. LOL. He's like "MAN I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM!!!!" and then he begs me to tell Andrew so we both can go and beat up that kid. Haha, I'm teaching him violence is not the answer and yet he's such a dude! :P
Homework for today:
[x] CALC - pp457 - 5-7, 8, 13, 14, 17, 18 (thnx to andeh :p)
[x] PHYX - Work problems
[x] STATS - moar normal distribution practice
[x] ECON - just bring ch 23 & 24 tomorrow
Love,
Maggie
Anyway, I lied about yesterday. It wasn't so great. I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to now. Awards ceremony is on Thursday night, but I get the feeling I didn't do as well as I hoped, so I really don't want to face it. My mom is perpetually angry at me, too.
I'm very scared about college decisions, but I get the feeling that even if nowhere else accepts me, even if I want to transfer from ELAC (it'd only take me a year with all the credits I've racked up), my parents would send me to Riverside. I'm not sure how I feel about Riverside, because I never imagined myself there.
Only a week and some days left until decisions from MLK Scholarship come. I really want to go to Ithaca College. The thing is, my parents don't know yet, because whenever I try to talk to them they don't listen, and then whenever I'm freaking busy they keep asking me what I'm going to do with my life. I wish UCR would stick to the regular timeline, because my dad keeps asking me, every freaking day, whether I got another acceptance letter, and I keep telling him, every freaking day, that there is still a month left.
Today was a boring day. Everything is so easy to me. Except maybe Econ. We've caught up to the end of Micro, which I have never looked through. LOL I'll start studying tomorrow, promise. Zapata approached me and said he definitely wanted me to participate in capital markets, and then he slipped out that he didn't think I was going to participate in Econ Challenge. Haha, I think we both know that I'm not as strong as the previous David Ricardo's, but I swear I will do my best! I wish I kept in last year, because that would've been killer on my resume for Business School, but then again, this would be, too :)
I love leaving right after Econ, it makes me feel like I have so much time. But this is just for the week, I know I'm going to try to help out with all the teachers next week. It was pouring and there was thunder by the end of fifth, and I ran the fifteen meters to the cafeteria and that rain was falling so hard. My dad picked me up, so I had to run through the walkway at the side of the school, and there were literally inches of rain washing down those steps! Crazy. I hate rain, but I definitely love the thunder C:
My webcam broke. Microsoft is so freaking crappy I swear. Everyone knows their products aren't worth it -- the webcam is supposed to be $60 but Danny got it off Club Bing. I searched around and there were a lot of complaints about the audio. I finally found a site that had instructions on how to fix it, but I'm going to have to reassemble the whole thing :[ sigh. Club Bing currently has a mic, but I don't really think it's worth it since I plan on getting a labtop later anyway. But yeah, no webcam = no communication with Nisha, Janet, Kevin, etc. :[
Speaking of Janet, I feel really bad. I was very insecure yesterday because it seemed like everyone was getting the supplement for UCLA and I wanted to check to what extent it was sent out because I was freaking out. I hope I didn't scare her or anything. I'm just dumb like that sometimes.
My little brother is very funny. I think he's the best kid in the world haha. I told him before that if anyone picked on him, he should tell me, because I was bullied like hell in sixth grade and I had to face that alone. And then he has this pink pencil he found, and a kid in his class keeps telling him it isn't his and Alex gets so mad. LOL. He's like "MAN I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM!!!!" and then he begs me to tell Andrew so we both can go and beat up that kid. Haha, I'm teaching him violence is not the answer and yet he's such a dude! :P
Homework for today:
[x] CALC - pp457 - 5-7, 8, 13, 14, 17, 18 (thnx to andeh :p)
[x] PHYX - Work problems
[x] STATS - moar normal distribution practice
[x] ECON - just bring ch 23 & 24 tomorrow
Love,
Maggie
Monday, February 8, 2010
First Day of New Semester
Hi Jennifer! :D
Today was a good day. My grades are:
1 AP Calc BC - Luu - C <-- that's the only one I'm not sure of
2 AP Lit - Lauer - A
3 Physics - Sork - A
4 AP Stats - Villarreal - C
5 AP Econ - Zapata - A
6 Academic Decathlon - Kwan - A
What's funny is that for Lit, Phyx, & Econ, I was missing at least 2 big assignments, but because I'm awesome it didn't affect my grade that much at all :P For Lauer, she was like "Hey Maggie, you didn't turn in 2 Weekly Poetry Assignments *enters numbers* your 94 just fell to a 92." LOL. I think I have the highest grade fasho. Ericka is super bitter about that. For Physics, I didn't turn in 2 labs, so I fell from a 99 to a 92. And I was .1 away from a B in Zapata's. I am so happy :] Anyway, I ended up dropping the sixth period. I think I can find a productive way to spend my sixth period. I've offered my services to teachers and they've expressed interest in hiring me >:] yay.
That said, homework for today:
[x] MATH Pg 446 #1-4, 5-19 ODD, 22, 33
[x] LIT Go through MC's
[x] PHYX Worksheet
[x] STATS Classwork
And because I waited until I finished homework to type this, I no longer have the desire to type out exactly what I wanted to say. So I leave with this:
Love,
Maggie
Today was a good day. My grades are:
1 AP Calc BC - Luu - C <-- that's the only one I'm not sure of
2 AP Lit - Lauer - A
3 Physics - Sork - A
4 AP Stats - Villarreal - C
5 AP Econ - Zapata - A
6 Academic Decathlon - Kwan - A
What's funny is that for Lit, Phyx, & Econ, I was missing at least 2 big assignments, but because I'm awesome it didn't affect my grade that much at all :P For Lauer, she was like "Hey Maggie, you didn't turn in 2 Weekly Poetry Assignments *enters numbers* your 94 just fell to a 92." LOL. I think I have the highest grade fasho. Ericka is super bitter about that. For Physics, I didn't turn in 2 labs, so I fell from a 99 to a 92. And I was .1 away from a B in Zapata's. I am so happy :] Anyway, I ended up dropping the sixth period. I think I can find a productive way to spend my sixth period. I've offered my services to teachers and they've expressed interest in hiring me >:] yay.
That said, homework for today:
[x] MATH Pg 446 #1-4, 5-19 ODD, 22, 33
[x] LIT Go through MC's
[x] PHYX Worksheet
[x] STATS Classwork
And because I waited until I finished homework to type this, I no longer have the desire to type out exactly what I wanted to say. So I leave with this:
Love,
Maggie
Sunday, February 7, 2010
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